ABOUT
This is a place for those who find themselves suspended between two realities; still living as a Christian and still wanting to follow, but simultaneously carrying a sense that something isn’t right. On the outside, we’re going through the Christian motions, on the inside we’re still just as scared and just as broken. We could be doing all the 'right' things. Praying, attending, serving and loving, over and over again, and yet we can feel unchanged at a deep level, the cracks and insecurities simply papered over. It all can feel shallow.
And yet, God desires deep inner transformation for us and for the world. The journey of following Jesus is one of waking up to and living in a new reality; one where every part of ourselves finds its home in love. This isn’t an upward path of becoming more perfect and it isn’t about behaviour management. It is instead a path of descent. It is picking up our cross and walking down; facing our struggles, the layers of our ego, our need for control, our weaknesses and our shame, and meeting the God of unconditional love in these places.
My story
Hi. I'm Anya. I'm a thirty-something mum of three and spiritual director, living in Leicester. And I wanted to share a bit of my journey to starting this blog.
I have always felt a bit different. It might not be that noticeable from the outside, but I quickly learned that I don't always fit in. I am introverted and highly sensitive. I notice things around me and I churn over things internally. In this fast paced culture, charisma and confidence are honoured and we are encouraged to dream big and change the world. To me, the church didn’t feel like a sanctuary where I could meet God, but rather a busy place with busy leaders, and I had to learn to keep up.
When I was 23 I burned out. I became ill for a year and I wasn’t able to do much. And it was from this place of stepping back that I began to question even more. I saw the fast paced, anxiety ridden culture we live in, and this was mirrored in the church. For me, the way that discipleship and prayer were taught were lacking substance and depth, and actually added to the general pressure. During my life I had experienced God and tasted something good, but I felt a disconnect from what I had experienced to how we were being taught to live this out. I noticed that I wasn’t the only one struggling with Christian culture. There were others on the margins who couldn't keep up or feel involved for various reasons: Age, physical/mental health, cultural differences, brokenness from childhood or personality type etc. And these people were getting left behind in church and in the way we portray discipleship as well. And it wasn’t just those on the margins who were struggling. Once I got better, and after years of moving to different cities and churches as my husband trained for ordination, I noticed that leaders were also burning out and those with high capacities were being squeezed for all they could give. And because good was happening and it was for the kingdom, it was really hard to separate out what had become unhealthy.
For the last twenty years I’ve been wrestling with the how of the Christian faith. How do we actually live this out in a way that is healthy and leads to deep change? In other words, 'spiritual formation'. I have been lucky to have been able to spend time studying the Bible, studying Theology, and to have also spent these last three years training in spiritual direction and exploring formation. I don't have 'the answers', or a program or regime that offers a quick fix. More and more I'm learning that this is a messy walk that can often feel like we're off-track. But even with this, I have found that there is real and tangible wisdom that can help us to find our way again with God.
This is a place to express some of my journey and what I have discovered along the way. There is a vast amount of forgotten or buried wisdom, old and new, that can help us to find something more hopeful. There are voices spanning hundreds of years that have offered insights into freedoms God has given. I hope to write about some of these. I am also going to write about real things, like day to day life, difference, parenting and mental health, because everything is connected in our walk with God. And I also want to hear from you. What has helped you in living this out? What is God saying? Because, this isn't a journey that we do alone, and it is only in drawing together our collective experiences that we will begin to find our way home…